Again I have very little time. The classes at the school are almost normal … But I don’t want to write about it …When Surcia came to the assembly yesterday, she was cheerful. Her mother is feeling better …

Litzmannstadt Getto 19 I 1944

At night, going to bed, I involuntarily reached for the pouch filled with photos … I looked at a few of them. Oh, God …

when I saw Tamarcia’s picture I suddenly realized that she was [now] six, going on seven years old. At her age I was going to school! … Oh, it would be so wonderful if all the children could go to school! … My eyes were filled with tears … Through the fog of my tears, I saw Tamarcia’s frightened eyes (that’s how she looked in the picture) … Oh, I’m afraid to write about it … She looked like she was calling me, like she was crying for help … I did nothing … I was in bed, I couldn’t even cry … my heart was pounding and trying to break free … I did nothing … Oh, Tamarcia, where are you, I want to help you … I’m tossing and turning, well, I’m tied down … Oh, how many tragedies are contained in these words!? I’m scared, I miss her, I’m drenched with cold and hot sweat. A drowning person will grasp even a razor … I want to become lost in words, think about something different, but this helplessness, this weakness are surfacing … […] What’s next? One can’t live like this anymore! … Oh, strength! Strength! Dear God! Strength! All of a sudden I ask myself anxiously if I’ll recognize Tamarcia. Years are passing by! … 

Oh, God! How can I not think about it? How can I take it? … I looked into my mama’s eyes (in the photo). Oh, God! How much they express and how much Tamarcia resembles her! Oh, I’ll never tell you this, mommy! You’ve left me forever! I feel horrible, I’m suffocating! God, let me take the place of my mother. Let me suffer for my siblings! Oh, God! It’s so hard! … And I’m always alone! … 

Litzmannstadt Getto 1 II 1944
Today is the 12th anniversary of Grandpa Lipszyc’s death. A few days ago Abramek had his 12th birthday. Abramek … today I was dreaming about him. I was still in bed, I had almost an hour. I imagined that they had brought back a group of people deported during the Szpera. I felt full of energy … to do something. I ran there quickly and … Abramek was among them.

Litzmannstadt Getto 7 II 1944
On Saturday morning I had a dream … I’m sitting in the apartment, at the table. Cipka and Mommy are there. Suddenly we hear very familiar voices coming from the street. Mommy came to the window and I saw Abramek behind her … In a flash, Mommy jumped out of the window (it was on the ground floor). I couldn’t. I felt my eyes filling up with tears, I walked in the room, but my patience was gone and I came to the door. When I got to the door I thought to myself: I’m too calm, I’m not running, I’m doing nothing, I’m walking slowly, almost indifferently. Suddenly the door opened and Abramek came in (at first I thought it was only Abramek), then Tamara and Mommy. I pounced on them. I caught Tamara’s hand. I noticed that Tamara was a little taller but she looked the same, the same way we saw her last time. Abramek was decently dressed and he was taller, too … Tamara told me that where they had been they were forced to misbehave and if somebody was behaving properly he was punished … and … I woke up … 

I regretted that I wasn’t [still] sleeping, that [just] when something was about to happen, I had to wake up … I was dreaming about them for the first time, for the first time … I couldn’t go back to sleep, I was feeling strange. Maybe at some other time this dream would be a consolation for me, but this time it was too much, I couldn’t find a place for myself. I felt like crying, like screaming …

Litzmannstadt Getto 13 II 1944
I’m full of remorse … maybe if Abramek had looked well they wouldn’t have taken him. He was such a good kid. How many times, when I was short of bread, would he give me his? Oh, how many times? That’s why he looked bad. I’m full of remorse … I feel like crying, crying, crying, even screaming. At night I have a place to lay my head, may I be content with that. How many people don’t have even this? Do I know, can I know, whether Abramek and Tamara have the same? Oh, God, bring us back together! Oh, I’m full of longing and I’m writing this over and over again … To write! It’s such a gift. Thank you, God, for letting me write! […] When is it going to be all right? I don’t know … What an answer!